July 3, 2013
I’m just bone tired, bits of my heart drip inside my chest and I don’t think I can face feeling this way for the rest of my life. I’m over it. I’m done with this life.
Sometimes, I think about killing myself.
I would take a boat, row out to the middle of the lake. I’m looking out there right now. The waves are rolling today, foam sprays off the white caps. But, it would have to be at night because I don’t want anyone to see me. And I don’t want anyone to have to look for my body. I would leave a note – try to explain why I did it. I don’t want anyone to feel guilty, or bad, or think that maybe they had something to do with my death.
I think about my spouse, my son and my sister, and I see their faces. I don’t want to make them sad. They hurt too. My sister cries sometimes. Her life can be so difficult. She’s a tough little thing, raising three boys on her own, working a physical job with long hours. She’s fallen down a few times, phoned me and said “I’m done with this, Sue. I’m just so tired trying, and trying and it seems I never get anywhere, just more BS.”
I tell her, “Don’t give up. It won’t always be this way. We love you. So many love you. And thank you for calling. Thank you for talking to me.”
My lovely son doesn’t say much. He’s a quiet man. Always was a quiet kid. Not like his little brother. Nick was the wild child. The noisy kid who filled the house with his voice.
My oldest child will phone and say, “How ya doin’ Mom? How was your day?” He rubbed my back when we sat next to his little brother’s hospital bed.
He has no sibling to tell his deepest and darkest thoughts too. He lost his best friend when Nick died. My son hurts too. I’m so blessed to have his beautiful heart in my life. My death would be another massive loss in his life.
I have a wonderful common law spouse. We’ve been together almost eleven years. I was a mess still two years after Nick’s death – running from the grief nipping at my heels – sometimes I still run. Yet he’s been with me, holding back my hair, so to speak.
I’ve got friends who are like family. I just buried one. I miss him so much.
The lake has calmed. The surface looks like glass. My heart flutters gently inside my chest and the lump in my throat has dissolved. It was a momentary lapse of insanity. The sad times come and sometimes they linger and I think I can’t take another second. Then they go.