We spend Saturday at home sorting and packing. We expect to be in Calgary for the winter so I pull out heavier clothing, jackets and boots. I have no idea when anyone of us will be home again. Frankie should be starting grade 10 in less than a week, but there is no question we all need to be together.
There is no one who could stay with Frankie at our house. My mother has been dead since May. It’s strange how detached I feel, but I’m still furious with her. I believe after we die we can see inside people’s hearts. How many times she and I fought and argued when I was growing up, and now she sees all my selfish reasons and the stupid stuff I did, but she also knows how much I love her.
The house is stuffy and warm the two nights were are home and nobody sleeps very well. I’m trying not to think too much about what is next for Nicholas, but this is even more intense than the original diagnosis because we now know the brutality of cancer treatment.
Sunday Aug. 29
This morning, it was a sad sight driving away from the house with its blinds drawn, and the two dogs sitting on the lawn, (Miss Daisy has gone back to Carol’s), their tongues lolling, showing their anxiety at being left alone again. It’s amazing how well they have managed. The neighborhood and our friends have been unbelievable in their care of us.
My sister and her husband have traveled on with us to Calgary. We drove east on highway 3 through the Crow’s Nest Pass, the Elk Valley and the stark Rockies. We stopped many times to take breaks and stretch, and we took turns traveling with each other and visiting. On Sunday at 7pm we arrived in the Levis capital of Alberta. We took a wrong turn and stopped for directions and bathrooms. The sky had been angry looking and dark since passing through the mountains. We were standing around the vehicles when a wall of wind crashed into us, tossed a big sign in front of the store, and pelted us with dirt. I thought to myself, “Welcome to Alberta. We have to buy a kite!”
Nick is doing OK. His Dad and I tell him he’s our star player and he’s going to beat this. I hide the part of me that is ice cold. Without chemo he will soon surpass the dire condition he was in when first diagnosed back in January. Leukemia cells are flooding his blood stream. They will overflow into the spaces surrounding his heart and lungs. They will slip into his spinal column and then breach the barrier to his brain. I get onto my knees at night before bed. Please Please God. Let this drug be the one that cures him.