“Nothing is permanent.
Everything has an ending.
All of this will go away.
It is this impermanence that causes much of my suffering.
I grasp and clutch at people and things because I know that none of it will last.
I want the things that make me feel good to remain the same.
I want me, my very self to never diminish, to never weaken, to remain constant.”
Moment by moment, step by step, I look back, my youth is long gone, my strong and busy 40s are behind that last bend and ahead of me is only a wish, unknown, my steps shortening and at times I am afraid. It would be easier to love no one, to live my life with a closed heart, let no one in and I can’t get hurt. And sometime I wonder what the hell is the point to this?
“A woman whose child had died went to Buddha, asking if he would bring the child back to life. Buddha responded that he would do so if she could bring him a mustard seed from a family that had not known the death of a parent, child or friend. She eagerly went searching for the mustard seed. When she returned, empty handed, she had learned there is no one who is not affected by death.
I’m amazed when I read a story about two people who fall in love and marry even though one is terminally ill. It is tremendous love and great courage that invites the fear and pain of loving someone who will be taken from you soon.
We go forward, day after day and love other fragile human beings with a tenuous hold on life. This requires great courage and great love. It’s what our lives are for.”
When I feel depressed and sad it is not imaginings when I see death everywhere. Death is everywhere. I don’t watch the news or read painful stories of loss because I hurt too much and become even more sad. I know I can’t give up, or give in to the easy way out that I sometimes see in death.
I must live with an open heart, to live in this moment, with faith and courage.
I can’t avoid grief or sadness, it is futile and causes me more suffering.
I look at the early daffodils blooming in a pot behind the kitchen sink. And I think of the baby, just a few days old, I saw yesterday. People tell me the robins seem to have never left for the winter because they’ve seen them around their yards all these cold dark months. I overheard an old woman in her nineties tell someone not to be sad about the overcast day and the grey skies because the “fog is eating the snow.” She was a frail, seemingly ancient woman, her skin hanging in folds from her bent over body, and death was going to snatch her life at any moment yet her eyes were full of hope for spring.
Spring can be in every moment of every day if I choose to not waste my precious time and life feeling sorry for myself. I’ve got such awesome true and kind friends who put up with my foolishness and forgive me my mistakes. I’m so very lucky to have you. You help me to see the goodness in my life, and even though some of you do not believe, I see more of God inside of you than I feel in my own heart. ♥
“Contains quotes from The Zen Path Through Depression by Philip Martin.”