The hardest part is what to leave behind, … It’s time to let go!
— Winnie the Pooh
It’s a white hot august day. The doors are open to catch the waning coolness of the morning breeze which in a few hours will feel as if it comes from a furnace. And I will have to pull the curtains and close the place like a tomb, alone with my thoughts and memories.
I struggle with the heat the same as most dread the dark cold of winter. I remember parts of summers past hiding from the sun behind shut blinds, and dragging my grief and guilt through the rooms of another house. Due to… life, I’ve had a new home every year for the past five years. It’s been a lesson to learn to not define myself by where I lay my head. It’s been a lesson to realize that it really is just stuff, and when it’s gone after a month I can’t even remember what it was. It’s been a lesson to cultivate the friendships that have their roots in my heart and to let the other ones go. It’s been a lesson to accept that nothing stays the same, and that beginnings always bring endings, which brings beginnings, which brings endings… you get how it works. It’s been many lessons to learn to turn my face towards what hurts, to let go and fall because I have to go down into the abyss, all the way to the bottom before I can begin to think about climbing out.
Instead of running from what pursues me, I have to turn and face it, be still and let the pain overtake me, feel the hot tears on my cheek, push into the fear, ponder what it is that bothers me (sometimes it is just a vague thought not worth the worry), put it into words, and speak them aloud. Then I can begin to say a prayer, ask for help and start the climb up…