The hardest part is what to leave behind, … It’s time to let go!
— Winnie the Pooh
It’s a white hot august day. The doors are open to catch the waning coolness of the morning breeze which in a few hours will feel as if it comes from a furnace. And I will have to pull the curtains and close the place like a tomb, alone with my thoughts and memories.
I struggle with the heat the same as most dread the dark cold of winter. I remember parts of summers past hiding from the sun behind shut blinds, and dragging my grief and guilt through the rooms of another house. Due to… life, I’ve had a new home every year for the past five years. It’s been a lesson to learn to not define myself by where I lay my head. It’s been a lesson to realize that it really is just stuff, and when it’s gone after a month I can’t even remember what it was. It’s been a lesson to cultivate the friendships that have their roots in my heart and to let the other ones go. It’s been a lesson to accept that nothing stays the same, and that beginnings always bring endings, which brings beginnings, which brings endings… you get how it works. It’s been many lessons to learn to turn my face towards what hurts, to let go and fall because I have to go down into the abyss, all the way to the bottom before I can begin to think about climbing out.
Instead of running from what pursues me, I have to turn and face it, be still and let the pain overtake me, feel the hot tears on my cheek, push into the fear, ponder what it is that bothers me (sometimes it is just a vague thought not worth the worry), put it into words, and speak them aloud. Then I can begin to say a prayer, ask for help and start the climb up…
I’ll thank you for this hug later
Susan B says
September 12, 2012 at 7:47 amThanks for sharing your lessons in August and a hug to ease your burdens dear Loranna.
Loranna Laing says
September 4, 2012 at 12:13 amDear cousin your words echo what I’ve also had to learn the hard way in the last 15 years plus since Gord’s accident (hit by a 1/2 ton while he was a pedestrian). We lost what we had in our marriage then and with his subsequent deteriating health have had to learn to treasure what we had. it’s been very, very hard and due to a loss of the physical part of our marriage we’ve had to stand together and face it, learn to find hope and strength within ourselves to carry on – most days one step at a time – and to be able to come back and stay together. While this may seem minor compared to your loss I think what i’m trying to so is I can take heart from your strength and know I have it in me to face what hurts but keep moving on.
Vanessa says
August 30, 2012 at 2:48 pmSusan, just when I think I am alone in my struggles, and those things which torment my mind tempt me to believe they are mine alone, I read something like this blog entry of yours, and realize that even though our struggles and trials differ, we are definitely not alone. Thank you for speaking into my heart.
Susan B says
August 31, 2012 at 4:23 pmNever alone dear Vanessa
Billi says
August 23, 2012 at 6:40 pmIt is clear to me, that reading this, our lives seem paralelled with this months journey. I have had 3 loved ones pass on, and have had to make decisions to face my fears and be strong in my choosen path of life. The most important thing I learned was to let go……it was a hard but wise decision made in serveral areas of my life. Thanks for the clarity of your words.
Susan B says
August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pmThankyou for sharing your thoughts Billi
Peter Wiebe says
August 18, 2012 at 4:05 am“It’s been a lesson to accept that nothing stays the same, and that beginnings always bring endings, which brings beginnings, which brings endings…”
Oh, how true-very eloquently said. A lesson we have learned as well. Nothing in this life is forever. God bless you, Susan.
Susan B says
August 19, 2012 at 9:46 pmThanks, and right back at you Peter.
Susan B says
August 17, 2012 at 9:24 pmWe share so many of the foot paths.
Susan O says
August 17, 2012 at 8:20 amAhha thoughts put into words, I can relate