This is about that it isn’t about “being strong.” It’s about choosing, sometimes many times in an hour, to go on, to work with what there is, what is right in front of me, and stop sliding back and fretting over what I’ve lost or can’t have.
I was being pulled in every direction at work. There were a million things to do and I’d received very disappointing news in my personal life. Tears of frustration pushed from behind my eye balls. I really wanted to scream and throw something.
I could fall apart. I’ve done it many times and I’m rather good at it. In the past I’ve been known to:
~throw something heavy
~spin around in circles and be of no use to anybody
I’m standing in the supply room not finding what I’m looking for. I’m physically affected by the yo yo of emotions. I could jump up and down, stomp my feet and punch something. My skin is actually crawling I’m sooooo damn FRUSTRATED! I’m going to bitch to the next person who walks in the room, on a soap box (literally because there are boxes of soap), and go on about what a joke it is that no two supply rooms in this whole freaking hospital is laid out the same way!
I know that if I do any of the aforementioned it doesn’t empty me of my angst. It does the opposite and fertilizes what bothers me. Exponentially it grows into a monster that eats me from the inside out. Yep, sure, I’ve known that for years. I heard it from my parents and many people who have witnessed my melt downs. I’ve read about it in self help books and watched it on Dr. Phil.Some of that good advice is sinking in.
At this moment there isn’t a God damn thing I can do about my personal issues. I need this job and I don’t want to look like an idiot and lose any credibility. What’s my choice?
I looked ahead only as far as my next move.
1) Find the F’n item in the supply room.
Push away my thoughts about what had happened in my personal life. Reminder: nothing I can do about it now. I moved ahead one step at a time.
2) Go to the medication cart.
3) Search the record
And so on.
Push away the thoughts of home. Take the problem apart. Nobody died. There are always options. Move ahead in my day just one step, one piece at a time.
I need to work with I have – what is. Push away the feelings of regret or anger over what I can’t have, or what doesn’t come easy. In the big picture, one piece of the task at hand isn’t so overwhelming. It’s easier to look only at the next step, the next moment, the next breath.
And I have to give myself these pep talks over and over, because I forget one minute to the next. My thoughts, as if there is an elastic band, are snapped backwards and I find myself, again and again and again, mulling over my issues.
It’s like when I quit smoking. I had to “quit” a zillion times in a day. Each and every freaking second the urge came over me to have a smoke, powerful urges. I had to wage a better argument for not ever having another cigarette – over and over again.
There is always a choice.
I’m only one second away from making the best one.
Posted in Category More About The Author of This Blog