Carlie's sunset

Shadow Horse

I’m in front of a sink full of dishes. For most of my day thoughts I’ve been mulling have sucked on my energy. I don’t like this part of me that lets stupid, useless things I can do nothing about, things I can’t fix, whirl around and around inside my head. Outside the window the sun begins its descent onto the backs of the mountains, and for a second the sight permeates the fog inside my head. I know how to stop this thought train to nowhere, but it’s become a habit and a hard one to break. It’s like when I was quitting smoking. At first, every minute I had to push away the urge to smoke. This is the same thing - I have to push away the urge to worry. My heart knows what is good for … [Read More...]

Nick & Charlene. Now I see Charlene's   expression and I see sadness. She knew  Nick’s prognosis wasn’t good.

Welcome to Alberta Children’s Hospital

The Ronald McDonald House in Calgary has rooms with private bathrooms. We didn’t see anyone as we dragged our suitcases through hallways and sitting areas. It’s clean and quiet and our room is like a small apartment, but without a kitchen. I’m sure we’ll meet people when we cook our meals. I think people are more inclined to stay in their rooms instead of mingling like we did at the House in Vancouver. I’m already missing that big, beautiful place. August 30 Alberta Children’s hospital has its oncology clinic near the main doors. Nicholas has a chest X-ray and then is admitted to Q cluster. August 31 Today Nick has a CAT scan, bone marrow biopsy, and lumbar puncture. A man wearing a … [Read More...]

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Carrots or Apples Please

My horse comes when I walk into the pasture. I stroke my hand from between his eyes down his long face to the smattering of white on his nose. He sniffs at my hands and my pockets, his big leathery lips fondling my fingers, smelling, searching for the odor of a juicy orange carrot, or a sweet red apple. He’s snuffles over me, then probes the left pocket of my jacket, if he could just get his tongue inside then he’d have what he knows is in there. I slip my hand between the coat and his nose and produce the carrot. He chews with an expression of sheer bliss. The carrot has been inhaled. He drops his nose into the tray of brushes and hoof picks just in case I’ve put something in there for him … [Read More...]

Sometimes I clearly see

Sometimes It’s So Easy To See

A photograph I took on my way home one evening as the sun was setting over Lake Okanagan. Sometimes, it's so easy to be in my life. The trouble is remembering how this feels, especially when I need to the most. … [Read More...]

Nicholas & Frankie

Welcome To Alberta

We spend Saturday at home sorting and packing. We expect to be in Calgary for the winter so I pull out heavier clothing, jackets and boots. I have no idea when anyone of us will be home again. Frankie should be starting grade 10 in less than a week, but there is no question we all need to be together. There is no one who could stay with Frankie at our house. My mother has been dead since May. It’s strange how detached I feel, but I’m still furious with her. I believe after we die we can see inside people’s hearts. How many times she and I fought and argued when I was growing up, and now she sees all my selfish reasons and the stupid stuff I did, but she also knows how much I love her. The … [Read More...]

Barney: Late for Lingerie and the Forgotten Place