Head in my Hands

Ode To A Little Boy

January 4, 2015 25 Comments

15 years ago today Nicholas died. The anticipation of each anniversary was always worse than the actual day. In the days building up to the anniversary of his death the grief was astounding, building and refocusing, growing into a monster that would cripple me. I’m daily living without him and the anniversary is really just another day. I don't miss Nicholas anymore today than I did yesterday. In the early years when the grief was new, the wound was raw and I was looking for my new normal, a moving target, the anniversary knocked my feet out from under me. It was so difficult to get back up, so I stayed down. It was then that I was quiet, still and listening. I could hear his … [Read More...]

Reiki, Life, Death & Triangles

December 23, 2014 3 Comments

As Asia floats down the hall, her sleek black hair shining under fluorescent lighting, more than one person stops for a second look at this slender and gorgeous woman. She opens the door to Nick’s hospital room and a paper taped to the door flutters. Reiki In Progress. We were not sure how the hospital staff would respond to Nick’s alternative healing therapy but everyone has been super respectful and they said no one would interrupt Nick’s sessions unless it was absolutely necessary. She enters his room and the atmosphere shifts from stress and fear to calm and hopeful. From his bed the smile on Nick’s face beams across the room. “Hello little one,” she says to him. “Hi Asia.” I swear … [Read More...]

A Christmas Wish

December 4, 2014 7 Comments

If you’re hurting, and so many of us do Christmas especially just makes the heart raw, The heavy grief is like a freight train hurtling towards you. There are spirits all around us; they also lived this beautiful and so often painful life. You can believe, go ahead and grab the faith, a lifeline for a sinking ship, Spirits walk with us even though we don't see, They hold our hands and dry our tears, Listen for a gentle whisper, “So much peace now that I’m free!” This is your precious life; do not wish your fleeting days away, find solace in understanding that we won't always understand. Make still your thoughts and close your eyes, Feel that … [Read More...]

You Look Like Sh*t and the Old Car Won’t Fly

November 20, 2014 7 Comments

Thursday, September 16 My hair is ratty, dry and the ends are split. I smoke too much and I hate myself. I stink. I make my poor sick kid retch at the nauseating odor clinging to my clothes, hair and breath. I eat whatever people put in front of me, here and there, fast food, microwave food, and I feel like a sloth. At home I’m busy on the acreage; I’ve never been good at sitting still. Now, our nerves are reduced to a hard, sharp edge, our lives made up of hospital rooms and endless sitting, waiting for chemo, tests, and test results. We hold our breath and wait for the ultimate goal, the words to set us free: “Your son is cured. Take him home!” My baby sister, bless her, says I look like … [Read More...]

Viktor E. Frankl ~ To Give Light…

November 15, 2014 5 Comments

Viktor Emil Frankl, M.D., Ph.D. (26 March 1905 – 2 September 1997) was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor. His bestselling book Man's Search for Meaning (originally published in 1946 as Nevertheless, Say "Yes" to Life: A Psychologist Experiences the Concentration Camp) chronicles his experiences as a concentration camp inmate, which led him to discover the importance of finding meaning in all forms of existence, even the most brutal ones, and thus, a reason to continue living. “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in … [Read More...]

The Lion King and Nick

Watch a short clip from The Lion King The young cub called Simba from the movie The Lion King evokes the memory of a little boy I used to have in my life. He was as lovable, or, as wild when provoked, as a lion cub. His adventures included taking one of our dogs, hiking into the woods, and climbing the hills behind our farm to explore. Often, I would look out the window into our back yard, and depending on what time of year it was, I would see Nicholas in the snow or on the grass wrestling, himself still a puppy, with the dogs. He left this life when he was of the age that he swung between the business of childish play, and an adolescent spending quiet time in curious ponderings. The Heroes in our Lives Nicholas and Simba are heroes in their own stories. They both were mere youngsters; innocent and pure, still believing in the power of hope when their lives became painful. They became warriors with the depth of courage that is valued, spoke of and passed on through the ages. In The Lion King, the young cub loses his father in a violent death and his world is upended. Simba’s survival is hinged on his drawing from the courage he saw in his father. My son developed an aggressive leukemia. The chemo therapy protocol waged a vicious battle against the disease, and physically Nicholas became a shadow of the boy he used to be. But his spirit, the light that burns deep inside every one of us, rose to the challenge. Like my son, Simba was felled to his knees and robbed of … [Read More...]