Fly Little Friends

Frankie and his Dad have left for some time at home. They took a dog pillow for our dear mutt Sam, to ease his old body as the weather cools off and winter sets in. When I’m smoking outside the hospital or the House I often run into Michelle, who I first met the night Nick’s blood pressure dropped. My smoking sucks and Nicholas despises it. He actually snarls at me. What he says is a mixture of I hate how you smell and you’re a complete idiot for smoking when I have cancer. He called me “a stupid-o.” Both of the boys tell their dad and I what they think about the smoking, but normally (there’s that word again) I wouldn’t tolerate how Nick is speaking to me. He’s angry at the world, his … [Read More...]

Nicholas 11 years old and Me 1998

When Lying Is Better

Sad news from BCCH. Justin M., Debbie’s son has relapsed (bone cancer) and lost most of his pelvis in surgery. We’ve learned he is taking the experimental chemo Topotekan that was offered to us. Justin has been told it is felt he will not survive. He’s 18 years old. Debbie said her son wanted to know everything, "always the truth" he told her. How do you tell your child they’re dying? Monday, September 27 Day 4 since chemo Compound 506U78 was started. While the WBC (white blood count) and AGC (absolute granulocyte count) still drop the strangest thing I have yet seen is the blasts (cancer cells) rising from 0.16 > 0.22. I imagine a battlefield littered with dead and dying good guys, … [Read More...]

Nicholas (8) & Frankie (11) 1993

Mother of Denial

Nicholas sleeps like a rock. It’s been 3 days since he has been fully awake and in terror that he would be sent to ICU. Saturday, September 25/1999 In this terribly skinny, scarred and beaten old man body on the hospital bed is my boy - my lovable, silly, youngest child. This busy, boisterous child who banged, and slammed and his laugh was enchanting. The kid who ran everywhere: through the kitchen, hopping from one foot to the other, into the bathroom for his morning first pee; out the door to roll in the grass with the dogs, and to the shed to get his bicycle to ride with his brother. My thoughts touch on his death then recoil as if bitten, my bowels cramp. I just can’t fathom what my … [Read More...]



If I don't wake up tomorrow morning, then right now at this moment watching this amazing sun set I have to say I believe there is a place absolutely more beautiful than I can imagine and I'm going to be reunited with every person and beloved pet who broke my heart when they left this world before me. … [Read More...]


Clean Windows

Yes. This is a post about clean windows. Clean windows make me feel good. When you find something wonderful that can be made in your own kitchen, is good for the environment and works, then you just gotta share it. Have you got any of those wonderful, washable microfibre towels? Get 'em if you don't because they have a million uses and you can just chuck them into the washing machine. This recipe works amazingly well because before I shined the windows I smeared soap all over them in an attempt to take off the last year of grime. Magical Window Washing Solution Recipe 2 cups H2O 1/4 cup white vinegar 1/2 teaspoon liquid dish soap I didn't have a spray bottle so I used … [Read More...]