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Freaking Out and Choices (Part One)

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This is about that it isn’t about “being strong.” It’s about choosing, sometimes many times in an hour, to go on, to work with what there is, what is right in front of me, and stop sliding back and fretting over what I’ve lost or can’t have. I was being pulled in every direction at work. There were a million things to do and I’d received very disappointing news in my personal life. Tears of frustration pushed from behind my eye balls. I really wanted to scream and throw something. I could fall apart. I’ve done it many times and I’m rather good at it. In the past I’ve been known to: ~throw something heavy ~cry ~scream ~spin around in circles and be of no use to anybody I’m … [Read More...]

Nicholas in backhoe July 1999 resized

Hospital Holiday, Gone Home

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All of us: FH, me and both of our boys drive home to the Kootenays from Vancouver. My family is together. The trip takes about 8 hours. We stop often to get out and stretch. We use rest areas along the highway, pulling off and parking next to creeks and picnic tables. I pretend we are on a holiday. I’m even charmed by the outhouses. Nicholas doesn’t leap out of the vehicle like he used to, but he still throws rocks in the creek. Frankie goes where his little brother goes, keeping watch. Home, lovely home. I tuck the boys into their beds and relish seeing them between familiar sheets. The house seems complete. I’m no longer torn in half because Nick was left behind in Vancouver. He can’t … [Read More...]

compassionate friends candle 2013

Light a Candle and Remember our Children December 08, 2013

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On Sunday December 08 at 7pm, join hundreds of thousands in a worldwide candle lighting, creating a virtual wave of light, as we remember our children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious and political boundaries. Click on the picture below to be directed to the Compassionate Friends site for more details For our sweet children who are gone much too soon … [Read More...]

OK-Lake-scenery-2

The NHL and Praying for a Remission

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Nick goes to the outpatient clinic for blood work. The white blood count (WBC) is 1.7. He needs a unit of platelets. He will get another central venous catheter (CVC) on Thursday. The last CVC was needlessly removed. It never was infected. He was infected with the aspergillus fungus. There will be two small scars in that area of his chest. The scar from the removal of the fungal balls is a thick raised red line almost the full length of his side and around his back. His body will be a road map of this journey, and he’ll have tales to tell. Nicholas will get another port put under his skin to receive the granulocyte colony stimulation factor (GCSF) tonight and then again tomorrow, in … [Read More...]

Peggy, Nicholas, Me, Cara and Stefan at Sechelt

Sechelt In The Front Seat

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Saturday, July 10 Nicholas is getting a holiday! I’m taking him to Sechelt on the lower Sunshine Coast. We are going to stay with Peggy, Dennis, their son Stefan and daughter Cara. Stefan was friends with Frankie at school before his family moved to the coast. We’ve kept in touch and Peggy and Stefan have visited Nick at the hospital. I had resistance from the hospital when I said I was taking Nick. They say he should stay in the vicinity in case something happens. Nicholas is managing as an outpatient with daily visits to the clinic except weekends. He’s fragile, they tell me. And, he mustn’t get sunburnt. A sunburn? Yes, he is very susceptible to the sun. You must be very careful that … [Read More...]

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Two buddies sitting in the wheelbarrow

The Lion King and Nick

Watch a short clip from The Lion King The young cub called Simba from the movie The Lion King evokes the memory of a little boy I used to have in my life. He was as lovable, or, as wild when provoked, as a lion cub. His adventures included taking one of our dogs, hiking into the woods, and climbing the hills behind our farm to explore. Often, I would look out the window into our back yard, and depending on what time of year it was, I would see Nicholas in the snow or on the grass wrestling, himself still a puppy, with the dogs. He left this life when he was of the age that he swung between the business of childish play, and an adolescent spending quiet time in curious ponderings. The Heroes in our Lives Nicholas and Simba are heroes in their own stories. They both were mere youngsters; innocent and pure, still believing in the power of hope when their lives became painful. They became warriors with the depth of courage that is valued, spoke of and passed on through the ages. In The Lion King, the young cub loses his father in a violent death and his world is upended. Simba’s survival is hinged on his drawing from the courage he saw in his father. My son developed an aggressive leukemia. The chemo therapy protocol waged a vicious battle against the disease, and physically Nicholas became a shadow of the boy he used to be. But his spirit, the light that burns deep inside every one of us, rose to the challenge. Like my son, Simba was felled to his knees and robbed of … [Read More...]

The first entry in the Journal – The Beginning of the End

BC Children’s Hospital March

Click on the photograph for the first entry in the Journal