Head in my Hands

Getting Slapped Across the Back of the Head by the Karma Gods

February 24, 2015 2 Comments

The karma gods will get you. Do we imagine spiritual forces watching over us and keeping tally of wrongs that are done? Then, like modern day Equalizers, they spin a grim occurrence to turn the tables on the wrongdoers and level the playing field. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. In a way it’s like having Robin Hood waiting in the bushes to avenge when someone does an evil act to another. Then when it seems the law of averages has stepped in and the wrong doer is at the receiving end of an ill turn we say karma sucks and we’re smiling. Last month something happened to me that had me fuming. I was the victim of a blatant act of disrespect from an equal, a parallel, in an … [Read More...]

Meeting a Small Woman with Big Courage

February 18, 2015 4 Comments

I have no idea how many families are in the Ron McD House. Either the House isn’t very full or people keep to their rooms. Supplied with a TV and phone there is no need to come out and mingle unless you want to cook. The lights in this kitchen don’t do much to brighten the room. It’s clean and functional but as I stand at the stove I miss the Vancouver kitchen with its windows looking out into the gardens, the tree branches loaded with soft green leaves and casting a leprechaun hue into the room. I’m cooking supper for Frankie and myself. FH is at the hospital with Nick. The refrigerator door opens. I turn around and watch a woman pull out a container and set it in on the counter. "Hello," … [Read More...]

Spring Can Be In Every Day

February 3, 2015 17 Comments

"Nothing is permanent. Everything has an ending. All of this will go away. It is this impermanence that causes much of my suffering. I grasp and clutch at people and things because I know that none of it will last. I want the things that make me feel good to remain the same. I want me, my very self to never diminish, to never weaken, to remain constant." Moment by moment, step by step, I look back, my youth is long gone, my strong and busy 40s are behind that last bend and ahead of me is only a wish, unknown, my steps shortening and at times I am afraid. It would be easier to love no one, to live my life with a closed heart, let no one in and I can't get hurt. And … [Read More...]

Ode To A Little Boy

January 4, 2015 25 Comments

15 years ago today Nicholas died. The anticipation of each anniversary was always worse than the actual day. In the days building up to the anniversary of his death the grief was astounding, building and refocusing, growing into a monster that would cripple me. I’m daily living without him and the anniversary is really just another day. I don't miss Nicholas anymore today than I did yesterday. In the early years when the grief was new, the wound was raw and I was looking for my new normal, a moving target, the anniversary knocked my feet out from under me. It was so difficult to get back up, so I stayed down. It was then that I was quiet, still and listening. I could hear his … [Read More...]

Reiki, Life, Death & Triangles

December 23, 2014 3 Comments

As Asia floats down the hall, her sleek black hair shining under fluorescent lighting, more than one person stops for a second look at this slender and gorgeous woman. She opens the door to Nick’s hospital room and a paper taped to the door flutters. Reiki In Progress. We were not sure how the hospital staff would respond to Nick’s alternative healing therapy but everyone has been super respectful and they said no one would interrupt Nick’s sessions unless it was absolutely necessary. She enters his room and the atmosphere shifts from stress and fear to calm and hopeful. From his bed the smile on Nick’s face beams across the room. “Hello little one,” she says to him. “Hi Asia.” I swear … [Read More...]

The Lion King and Nick

Watch a short clip from The Lion King The young cub called Simba from the movie The Lion King evokes the memory of a little boy I used to have in my life. He was as lovable, or, as wild when provoked, as a lion cub. His adventures included taking one of our dogs, hiking into the woods, and climbing the hills behind our farm to explore. Often, I would look out the window into our back yard, and depending on what time of year it was, I would see Nicholas in the snow or on the grass wrestling, himself still a puppy, with the dogs. He left this life when he was of the age that he swung between the business of childish play, and an adolescent spending quiet time in curious ponderings. The Heroes in our Lives Nicholas and Simba are heroes in their own stories. They both were mere youngsters; innocent and pure, still believing in the power of hope when their lives became painful. They became warriors with the depth of courage that is valued, spoke of and passed on through the ages. In The Lion King, the young cub loses his father in a violent death and his world is upended. Simba’s survival is hinged on his drawing from the courage he saw in his father. My son developed an aggressive leukemia. The chemo therapy protocol waged a vicious battle against the disease, and physically Nicholas became a shadow of the boy he used to be. But his spirit, the light that burns deep inside every one of us, rose to the challenge. Like my son, Simba was felled to his knees and robbed of … [Read More...]